All I Want For Christmas Is You
Saturday was OVAC’s 3rd annual Christmas Semi-Formal and it was…many things. Haha.
I never realized how much prepping it took until this year when I had volunteered to cook. Oh my, everyone is eating before they come next year.

On the menu, we had roast beef, carrot soup(thank you Fratelli’s), Caesar salad, lasagna, fries (thanks to Duc and T&T fries!), gravy, and cranberry sauce. It was all gone by the end of the night! If we cook again next year, we’re going to need to buy a lot more food for sure.
So every year, we eat, we watch performances and have awards, and then we have our Kris Kringle gift exchange.

I’m really tired and want to write in detail about semi, but overall, there were great performances, amazing company, and everyone looked great! Even Anh was able to come! That totally made my night, though she had to leave early. Come see me soon so I can give you your Kris Kringle gift woman!
Can’t wait until next year!

I read a couple of old blog posts, and it seems like I was reading a stranger’s words, and not ones of my own. The years have truly flown by making the past seem like a blur and I’ve begun to forget what I’ve gone through, what I’ve learned and even who I really am.

On Oct. 17th, 2011, Daniel and I celebrated our two year anniversary. Two years of travelling back and forth from Ottawa to Brampton, of late night calls, of holidays, vacations, of hugs and kisses, two years of building memories…

We broke up recently, and it was because we lost sight of God, of our love, and let our anger take over.

I’m okay right now, not feeling the need to text him, or know what he’s up to. I don’t check my phone every so often to see if he’s texted me either, hoping for a “Baby, I’m sorry, let’s get back together.” This isn’t like the other times we broke up or took breaks where I would scream as I cried, going through actual physical pain as though my heart weighed a ton and sunk into my chest, and my head felt as though it were going to explode.  I would want to throw up and had no control of my body, burying my face into my bed or the floor. It was hard, and it happened every time I let him go, even if it was my choice.

No matter what he had done to hurt me, and I knew I had to leave him, I would make up excuses in order to justify getting back together. How could I not? He loved me more than any other person ever has, had become the person I could call up whenever without feeling as though I was being a burden, and the only one that could comfort me with an “I love you” when I felt alone.

But (working against the rules of grammar here…) was it all really worth it? Was that it for me? That the hurt I was put through was worth all these other things? I would constantly question myself about the possibilities of having someone else that would love me the way he did. Though I wished he could have put more effort into our relationship, and stop being unfaithful, I didn’t want to lose my chance at love.

That’s what settling is.

This time when I ended things with Daniel, it was different. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as though all of my feelings for him just vanished. I cried when I heard his voice for the first time since the break up, and I can’t delete my Facebook photos of him not because I want to hold onto his memory, but because I can’t bear myself to look at them. Nonetheless, it’s getting better with time as I spend more time with God, getting to understand what more He wants for me on this earth.

I don’t know what god has in store for me in the future, but I’ve decided to spend time with Him to work on a relationship that really does matter; A relationship where I know I am unconditionally loved and comforted.  I just hope he will take this time to figure himself out too, because though he hurt me a lot, I did damage to him, and feel as though I am to blame in hindering part of his faith. It all broke apart because we didn’t keep God in the center any more. I’m not saying that I hope or expect for Daniel to be there in the end of this journey, but I’m not totally cutting it out. Who knows though.

Only God does.

But it’s that feeling… That big lump in your chest that moves up your throat as you try to push it back down to wherever it came from to avoid from just breaking down into tears. You can’t breathe, and all you feel is the pain from trying to hold those sobs back, and when you can’t hold it in anymore, it makes you feel pathetic that you couldn’t be strong enough to fight it back. Makes me even more angry but towards myself because I opened myself up to get hurt while he’s at peace, not caring about losing me as much as I fear of losing him. I feel so pathetic.  I just want to go away somewhere and just disappear.

When asked about it, I always have to think before answering, rather than it being a reflexive response. From simple questions like “How are you two?” to more complicated ones like “Are you two serious?” or the dreaded “Is he the one?”…
They make it look so easy in movies when two main characters fall in love and know that they’ve found “the one”. But outside of this conceptualization of reality, and in reality itself, how can you tell? How do you know that a certain person is the one God has intended for you?

These questions are easily, privately answered between Daniel and I because we know the way we feel for each other and we are the ones that go through what we do every single day with one another. Though I don’t find there a reason for others to make our relationship their business, it still bothers me sometimes when they assume that they know all about us and our relationship, or compare it to their own. Are we just the typical teenage couple who don’t really have a legitimate enough reason to date other than it being “the thing” to do amongst the youth or it merely being “puppy love”. We’re young, what do we know about love right?

I gave up in dating when I realized it was a waste of time at my age. Dating is to find that one person you want to marry, and I wasn’t anywhere near ready to settle down, nor did I love any of the guys I had ever dated. Great guys, just not for me, an I was sure to be careful with the “L” word. I decided to leave it in God’s hands while I focused on other things such as my faith and my education. I wasn’t surprised that God would answer my prayers, but I was definitely surprised at how fast He answered them.

Daniel and I have been dating for over a year now, long distance being a huge factor in our relationship. Only in the past 7 months of our 12 month relationship that we have been able to see each there occasionally, and as much as I detested the idea of long distance relationships for most of my life, and it is hell of a hard job to keep it strong, it has been working out for us.

There are days where he will make me so angry and upset that I am emotionally unstable to do anything. Crying myself to sleep many a time because of him, dealing with the pain of leaving after seeing him for even a minute, and having to deal with other complications that come in a relationship, is very tiring and time consuming. It’s even harder to fix problems when we can’t physically be together, and are limited to contact since he doesn’t have a cellphone, refuses to talk on the phone when his parents are home because he only has one corded phone in his house, and not to mention our schedules conflict 90% of the time. It absolutely tests my patience every single day to the highest extent, and I don’t have a much of it to begin with.

I don’t think a young and naive couple would put up with this kind of stuff if they they didn’t think it was more than puppy love and really the real thing.

No one has meant this much to me before, and though he can bring the very worst out of me, he makes me so very happy. Just thinking about him can bring a smile to my face and a reason to get through a rough day. When we fight, I just want to forget it because I’m afraid of losing him, and staying angry and keeping pride is no longer worth it. He’s helped me become patient, forgiving and to learn to cope with so many things that I have had trouble with.

I don’t know what the future holds for Daniel and I, but in my ideal world, I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy who has become my best friend. I am absolutely, truly, madly, and deeply in love with him, and I could never even imagine loving someone else the same way. It simply boggles my mind how this amazing person loves me for me. He’s not just in it for the good but the bad, and he chooses to work things out with me and deals with my crap even when the easier thing to do is to get up and leave.

I pray and pray for this relationship to stay strong, because in my heart I know I’ve found the one. No man can break the bond that God has brought together, and I genuinely believe that.

I’m ironically listening to a song called “Change” by an artist I have just recently been introduced to named Chris August (check out his music, it’s awesome and easy to listen to). The song is about how he constantly tells himself that things okay when things obviously aren’t, hoping and dreaming of how things would be if things were different. He puts off actually doing anything about it thinking that there will be one day where he can break free from his old life, and to simply put it, change.

For a very long period of time I knew things weren’t going the way I wanted them to, but I pretended that they were and hoped that things would just resolve themselves. I tried a new concept of stepping back and keeping quiet about everything and I found that things started to fall away from me. Not just the negative things, but the ones that I tried to hold on for so long, and by that time, I was so afraid to lose it even more that I continued to keep to myself. The longer I did, the farther these things would get from my reach. Things got to the point where I had no idea where I was anymore and wondered about what to do.

I started off the school year anew, leaving everything negative in my life behind along with the summer. I prayed and prayed for a good year or at least for the first semester. I was done with the drama, people and things that were bringing me down and I accepted the fact that whatever had happened, happened for a reason.

It was good for the first month and some, but the things that I had thought I had figured out, really hadn’t. I find myself getting angry and upset more frequently, leaving my emotions in the hands of others to control. I’m very confused with what I thought I knew and believed in and it’s as though I really never made that change I needed to make.

I apologize for being so vague, but because there are people who read this, I don’t want to target anyone, because really, there is no on specific. I’m dealing with a lot that happen to be similar in situation. If I could, I would just pack up and go somewhere to start anew. All I’m doing right now is wondering, and hoping that “maybe, maybe… maybe one of these days I’ll change”.

Last night Fiona convinced me to come out for a bit for a Starbucks and some magazine reading, and even though I just wanted to go home and sleep some more, you can’t say no to Fiona. I always forget how sexual Cosmopolitan is, which makes it even funnier when people walk by you in Chapters. Anh came to meet up with us for a bit, and then we headed home for dinner with the family. I haven’t been able to make it home for dinner consistently so I’ve been trying to put in an effort to do so as much as I can. After dinner Anh and I headed back to Fiona’s to go swimming, but we ended up making stir fry and watching Summer Heights High. Hilarious, but has a lot of profanity. I was pretty tired by the time we got home, which was only 10, but stayed up talking with Anh. Thought we live together now, we don’t really hang out much unless we’re both home. Meh, see enough of her as it is.

Tomorrow the English Ministry’s helping out our friend Ethan clean up his restaurant that he’s opening, so I’ll be doing that. Meeting up with someone as well to figure out my OSAP. I really hope everything turns out because I really need to go to school in the fall. Fingers crossed.

God bless : )

Oh, p.s. Happy 9 months Daniel <3