Exceptionally good day

TODAY was an exceptionally good day. Aside from the argument I had with my father this morning, about something else he was blaming on me, and that I arrived to school half an hour late. I had a good day.

Getting to school, I walked through the halls from my locker to my Ceramics class in my socked feet. I always change my shoes when I get to school, and I’m always late for first period so I just take my shoes with me. For 45 minutes, I got to just sit in silence and get my hands dirty. Get my creative flow going. We’re making simple coil pots at the moment to get us ready for our first project. I’m excited about what I’m going to make, but I’m unsure about how it’s going to turn out. We’ll see! Maybe another piggy bank?? (Thao…)

I wasn’t really in the mood to go to English, so when my friend asked me if I wanted to go home with her for a period, I jumped at it. We (sorta) did our homework, ate peanut butter banana sandwiches, and lay in bed talking. It was nice to relax and catch up.

For writer’s craft, we worked on expanding our vocabulary, making up words and comparing them to real ones, trying to see if the class knew which one was fake. Learned a lot of new words. Did you know “mufti” wasa word? I didn’t either!

I did a lot of reading today as well. Started “The Lovely Bones” on Thursday, and I cannot take my nose out of it!

Politics was Politics. Lots of debating. I’m looking forward to being a lawyer. Or better yet, a politician! LOOOL. Crazy politicians.

I spent the afternoon by myself at home, catching up on “The Vampire Diaries”. Spent three hours or so on that. SOOOO good. I absolutely love that show.

My cat was really bugging me though. She’s kinda shy, and rarely leaves my dad’s room, where she likes to hide underneath the bed, but when she does, it’s so annoying. She’ll run to where you are, but about a foot away, start meowing at you if you aren’t paying attention, and then when you do, she turns around and walks away ignoring you. CATS! Such divas… Her coat’s really long though, so whenever I stroke her, I always end up shocking her. I think she hates me.

Now, here I sit, debating whether I should go to bed early, watch a movie, or read my book. Sleep doesn’t sound too bad right now actually.

Goodnight all, hope you’re all well.

With love, Jules.

Driving me CRAZY

I’m sitting here on my bed, almost suffocating from my abnormally tight snow pants, all ready to leave for my ski lessons tonight. But before I go, I just need to get this all out so I don’t take it out on my poles. Or on others, using my poles.

My dad has been driving me insane, up the wall, THROUGH the roof. He’ll do something wrong, and then blame it on me! He’ll even tell me to do something very straight forward, then when he makes a mistake on the planning, he’ll blame it on me, assuming that I should not listen to him and just find an alternative way because he’s “too busy” and needs a break. He even said that he was suffering from having to take a care of me. Yes, I may not be four anymore, and can do things on my own, but my life doesn’t end at the age of four, you still have a responsibility of being my FATHER.

He’s starting to send me away to my aunt’s every weekend so he can have a “break”. It’s just so ridiculous; I don’t even know what to do anymore. BUT, I managed to endure his yelling without shedding a tear. Well, until he wasn’t around to witness it anyway. I just can’t stand it when the waterworks come whenever he raises his voice with me. It’s like Niagara Falls! It POURS, and doesn’t stop! Then I can’t talk because I hiccup like mad.

I’m so tired of our ups and downs because they happen so often. It all literally happens in the same day too! Same hour even! We’ll be at home, about to leave the house and he’ll be fine, and then in the car we won’t talk at all. He’ll drop me off and won’t say a word to me, wearing a sour face. He doesn’t work anymore so I don’t see why he can’t just take 15 minutes in the morning to drive me to the station, then another 15 to pick me up.

He says he’ll do all these things when we PLAN, but then when things don’t turn out; he blames me and says he can’t do it anymore. It’s been a month. Not even. You haven’t been around for YEARS. I have about another year or so left before I’m on my own, why can’t you just be my dad?

A.I.C.

Wow, I’ve been meaning to blog for a while, but this week’s just been so busy that I haven’t been able to even sit down and pull all my thoughts together. In my new semester, I’m taking a writer’s craft class, which I’m absolutely loving, and I’m learning a whole lot about, well, writing.

FIRST RULE OF WRITING: A.I.C. = Ass in chair.

I need to devote some time, at least every week, to just sit down. Whether I’ll sit and just stare at the screen and not type a single thing, I must at least sit down and let my mind wander.

From now on, I’m just gonna let my imagination run for a period of time, without correcting my mistakes, not thinking about spelling, grammar, and the likes. Just let my thoughts fall onto the page, or keyboard for this instance.

ANYWHOW, moving on!

My week so far has consisted of practices. Early morning practices. Whether it be band or rugby, it’s painfully early. I’m quite excited for rugby this year, having a new team, and having captaincy. It’s like I actually know how to play this year! LOL.

Starting a new semester, like I mentioned before, and I’m loving it. Well, most of it. I really miss my fourth period spare, and my English teacher’s quite a bore. I’ve fallen asleep like twice in his class and this is supposedly my favourite subject. My politics class is amaaaazing. I am in looove with the subject already and am actually so keen on my essay topic, which I still have to choose.

Today UOttawa came into school to talk about what’s going on with the applications and such. I’m rethinking of changing my program to just Communications or Poli Sci, instead of both. I figured that a double major doesn’t leave much space for electives…actually, it doesn’t leave any. I just don’t know what to choose from!!! Maybe I’ll do one with electives from the other major. BUT WHICH ONE?!

This past weekend, I took part in the Praise and Prayer at Emmanuel Alliance in Ottawa. I broke a sweat drumming and it was awesome. Most of the youth group came out and so did some friends from school. It was really nice to just forget about everything and praise God. : ) Two weeks before that most of the youth group went to Bedlam, but that’s for another post, maybe. If I get around to it.

Ironic how whenever I have time to blog, nothing’s going on, and when things happen, I never have time to blog. I need to keep a notebook with me wherever I go just to jot thoughts down. Gotta get that creative writer out into the open!!

WELL, ciao for now! LOVE, Jules.

Trying

When things start to get better, and I think that I’m finally where I’m supposed to be, everything in my world turns upside down, and I’m back to where I started. And right now, I’m just, lost. Everything seems to be getting worse, and nothing seems to be turning out right. My relationship with my father has gotten much worse, and I’m starting to really open my eyes to see who he is. I’ve run out of excuses for him. Trying to come up with a story of why he’s the way he is, why he treats me the way he does, why he can get away with hurting me over and over, and over again. I keep on just forgiving him so easily because he’s my dad, and because I love him. I do love him, with all of my heart. He’s all I’ve got. It was so hard for me growing up and seeing him struggle so much. It was just him and I, and I couldn’t do anything to help it make it easier for him. I knew he felt alone, and so I was happy when he found someone. He asked me what I thought about him getting married when I was eight. I remember being feeling excited for him, and happy that I could have a normal family again. Everything was going to be great.

It was supposed to be great.

The older I get, the farther I feel from him. I see right through him, and I can’t pretend that everything’s okay. It’s like he only wants me around, but doesn’t want to take any responsibility for me. Throughout my whole life, I’ve been raised by other people. Other people he left me with, to make it their responsibility to teach me, to comfort me, and to be there for me. I’ve decided that I can’t just let him keep leaving me anymore. If he can’t be my dad, then I can’t be his daughter.

F.R.O.G.

How could you say all those things. You don’t even know me! Why do you always think that the purpose behind everything should be a profit, or else it’s considered “crap” and a “waste of time”. How can you say all those things when you don’t know about it. How can you learn about it if you just tell me to shut up or give up on me. How can you give up on me? How can you make me feel useless and an inconvenience? You know that I’m right, that’s why you kept yelling at me to shut up. You didn’t want to hear someone come out and say it to your face. I meant what I said, the first time, and the second time. You are not my dad. You gave me life, but you are in no way part of it. You don’t even care. You introduce me as your daughter, and brag about me to your friends, but you don’t care. You complain about everything to do with me. You can’t even accept me for me. I try so hard but you’re never pleased. I’m sorry about the way things have turned out for you, but it doesn’t mean you have permission to blame me for it. You don’t have to keep telling me about how hard your life was/is because of me. I didn’t ask you to have me. I didn’t choose you to be my dad. It’s not fair. For everything you’ve put me through and never even thinking about how it would affect me. You don’t know me. You don’t have the right to judge me. Give up on me, because I’ve given up on you. I have a dad, and he loves me for everything I am. He loves me unconditionally, and he’s always there.  He knows me. Only He can judge me.

Who cares? I don’t.

I’m so frustrated right now. I’m trying to pack, but I feel so angry that I just want to let it all out. I hate depending on people to be there for me, knowing that I’m going to be disappointed. Why should I depend on people? What do they owe to me? Nothing. But yet I still keep my hopes up that people are going to be there. I can’t just go expecting people to check up on me, ask me how I am and stick around to listen to me answer. I can’t even depend on my own family. All this expecting from people is just making me bitter. If I just stop expecting from others, I won’t be disappointed. I could go on and on about this…

New Year, New Age

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR ISAAC NEWTON!!! Must be so old now… Makes me feel better about turning 18 today. It’s kinda weird. Nothing special. There was no huge ceremony where I was being welcomed into “adulthood”.

I stayed at home, slept in until…9. Attempted to clean my room, took a three hour nap, went for a walk in the snow, ran some errands, and got junk food. Juicy junior chickens. It’s a blessing and a curse to live so close to a McDonald’s.

I spent the rest of my evening cleaning my room, and looking at university stuff. I’m really confused about what else I want to study having already signed up for the courses I want, at two different schools. Either way, I’ll be in Ottawa. Good ol’ Ottawa. For now. : )

All my relatives forgot about my birthday, so that was weird. Been iffy with all of them so I’m hoping things get better by the end of the week. I’ve got to start packing my whole room since my uncle’s leaving for a month and a half to Vietnam on Monday… A month and a half’s worth of stuff. Gotta remember like EVERYTHING. Closet to go please!

I spent majority of the day just cuddling with Figaro, my new stuffed lion. Everyone was at school, and I’m still phone-less so it was kinda quiet. So weird. Went from two weeks of constantly being surrounded by people, to having absolutely no one around. I just wanted to sit and update my Facebook status every minute to make the day more interesting.

I’ve got a lot coming up this week though, so I’m sorta looking forward to it. Just not to the hectic homework load. First semester’s almost done, and rugby’s coming up!!!!! If I play my cards right, captaincy is for sure mine!

Well, I’ve got 6 minutes left of today. Happy birthday 18 year old Julie. Don’t lose sight of what’s important (Princess and the Frog <3), Keep Moving Forward (Meet the Robinsons), and step out of that comfort zone. Make yourself be heard, and just do it. 2010 is going to be great!

2nd birthday

Holidays of ‘09

I got home a bit over and hour ago, and I’m about to go crazy. I have way too much stuff in my head, I just need to get it all OUT. This is why I should blog more often, and not save it all up to blog all at once!

Alright, so summing up my Christmas holidays… First day off, I met up with DThai to plan for our Bedlam video project, which is due in two weeks. We did some shopping afterward and had the best wings in town for dinner. Next two days off, I babysat kids from church. I love my job because they’re so easy to take of because they’re all potty trained and can all feed themselves fairly well. Spent the evening with my friend Amy, who was home for the holidays from university. On Christmas eve, I  stayed home during the day, packed then got ready for service. After service, Thao and I dropped by My Sweet Tea real quick to kill time and exchange gifts. She got me this sweater I wanted sooooo bad. Wearing it right now actually, hehe. Spent the night at my dad’s, went to Christmas mass with him the next day, had lunch and just relaxed for the rest of the day. We even made dinner together : ) On boxing day, my dad made me get out of bed around 8, and we headed out to go shopping around 9. Twas crazy. Managed to get a shirt and Hannah’s birthday gifts. Convinced my dad to go home early, went to get food, and went home to watch a movie. “I Am Legend” has changed my sleeping pattern forever. I am the biggest wimp…

On Sunday, Q came home so I stayed over on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we slept over at Ham’s. THAT was fun. Thursday morning, I went home and then left again a few hours later to Q’s to get ready for our night out since it was New Year’s eve. We ended up just reaching Lobby downtown, with Maxwell and Kamal, just dancing the night away. Definitely a good night. On Friday I met up with my friend Laura who’s also home for the holidays, and we caught up over coffee. Mmm. At night, I hung out with my dad and his friends, half applying for university. I still haven’t done it yet. I’ve chosen two schools for the same course. Need a third option.

Saturday, I worked ALL day. Had dinner with the “fam” at work afterwards, which was AMAZING. Best meal ever. I love my job…to an extent. LOL. Went out with the girls again that night, and we had a good time. Stayed over at Q’s again, and I thought I would pass out once we went to bed, but we ended up chatting for a bit. I’m gonna miss her : (

Today, we got up pretty early, went to church, and hung out a bit after service. We all split up and I was kinda confused about it, but I couldn’t turn down shopping… Ended up that everyone was in on a surprise birthday dinner for Debbie and I. I didn’t even realize it until I walked all the way into the house, and saw the “Happy Birthday” banner. Ridic. Those girls are getting too sneaky.

Overall, I had a wonderful Christmas break, and an AMAZING birthday. Though, it didn’t start until 16 minutes ago. Staying home tomorrow. Gonna wake up early, and just enjoy the day. Mhhmmmmm.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, very Happy Birthday. <3

Getting into that Christmas Spirit

I was on the Yahoo! homepage this morning checking my email, and an interesting headline caught my eye. I know her acting career kinda went downhill in the past few years, but she was still a pretty funny actress. Brittany Murphy, may you rest in peace.

I woke up really early this morning (7AM to be exact). “Why?” you may ask, having it to be the first day of my Christmas vacation. WELL, silly old me who lost her phone *cries* thought she had to babysit this morning, and couldn’t double check because for some odd reason couldn’t remember the phone number for the people she was babysitting for, until this morning. I was dressed, and ready to leave when I made the call, and had to get undressed. I ended up cleaning my room though, which is now pretty tidy. : )

The weekend was pretty busy for me, so I’m kind of grateful that I don’t have to do much today. On Saturday, I had to work all morning, run some errands, and then head home to get ready for OVAY’s first semi formal. Didn’t even have enough time to change so I had to pack everything with me.

The leaders actually went all out, and the evening was amazing! They had the red carpet laid out, and even a photo booth for everyone and their dates, haha. The sanctuary was all set up with tables, and decorations. The performances were great, and the food was YUM! Everyone had fun, and I’m sure we’re all excited for the next semi. New Year’s?! Valentine’s?! lol.

Sunday, I was late for church, and was just really out of it that morning. Hannah messaged me on Facebook saying they were going to pick me up at 9, and it was 9:30 when I got it. I kinda freaked out hoping that they didn’t come, then realized that she sent me another message about not comign since I didn’t answer. Phew. I got to church just as we were starting, but was still in my own world because it took me a while to register that Thao was there. I came into church, saw her, sat behind her, then when she turned around and said hi, I just said hi back. She gave me a look like she was waiting for something and theeeeen it hit me. She had her exam that morning, and wasn’t supposed to be at church. My reaction was like “Hi. Oh…OH! HI! What?! Wait, what?!” Haha.

The English ministry sang “Reign In Us”, which we did really well! After that, we listened to others sing, listened to MS Cuong’s sermon, sang another song, and then had our potluck. The youth all migrated upstairs to watch the slide show from the previous night while we ate. We took a bunch of pictures too by the tree, and spent a good ten minutes trying to do those jumping pictures. Failed about 90% of the time, lol.

After church my dad came to pick me up, and we went on our weekly father-daughter shopping date. First we went to get our movie tickets to see Avatar, then shopped around for two hours. Ended up getting a new dress : ) It has POCKETS. Such a fan of pockets. I had said that I didn’t like dresses, but I kinda feel really pretty in some. There’s days where I’ll just put on a dress and sit around at home in it.

Lately, I’ve had a thing for tights. Bright tights, not so bright tights, leggings too! Maybe seeing Anh in them all the time is getting to me. *Shrugs* Makes me feel cute.

Agenda for todaaaay, meeting up with David Thai to come up with a skit for our Bedlam trip, Christmas shopping (so much for wanting to get that done in November), meeting up with Amy who’s home from school! Yup yup.

Need to take a shower first. I feel very icky. Hope everyone had a great weekend and that you have a good week! Christmas is almost here!!

P.S. Avatar = 6 out of 5 stars. Go see it. In IMAX, 3D or whatever’s equivalent to that. It’s just so much better. And the movie is so FDGSDFGDFG!!!!!!!! SO GOOD.

First snowfall

Walking in the snowfall, downtown Ottawa, amazing dinner in a private booth…Just couldn’t be any more romantic than that.

‘Cept I was with Thao. LOL. Thao and I met up for some good ol’ wings at Hooley’s, which was AMAZING. 25 cents a wing?! ZOMG. They were so good…This is why I would never be able to become vegetarian. Anh, I admire you. 

Woke up Monday morning feeling very well rested, and refreshed. Looked over at my clock, and it was 8:27. CHET. So much for getting up early for band.

For the past couple of days, Ottawa’s been bombarded with snow, and instead of the nice breezy autumn days, thery’re are the windy snowy blizzards. YAY. -.- Didn’t goto school yesterday due to the snowstorm. I tried to too! Gotta give me props for the effort. I enjoyed my day at home. Ransacked my room, and re organized everything. Changed my bedsheets and did a ton of laundry too. I feel very accomplished!

Today, I wrote a math test (which was bruuutal), and had been nervous all day for my performance at lunch with Emily and Emma. We did pretty well, so it wasn’t too bad, but I was really hot, and sweaty lol. Blood rush much. They’re thinking Christmas concert now. Ouuf.

After school today, I’m gonna get some food with Anh, and catch up with her for a bit. I believe there’s a practice tonight for church’s semi formal (?), and I have my concert at school with was moved from yesterday to today. Hmmm…That’s about all I’m gonna post for now.

I hope everyone’s enjoying ths snow, and the fact that Christmas is only 15 days away!

With love,

Julie